Being Human

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Wow, I can’t believe it’s been 2 years since I have blogged here 😦 I guess things are ok, we moved  again, I just wish we were back in the green house where you had your room. Things are kind of rough right now, but I am hopeful that things will get better. Your buddy Mike died 2 years ago, we miss him greatly. If there is a heaven I hope that you were there to greet him 🙂 And I hope that yall are playing basket ball up there! So Kristen will be 24 soon and is not living at home anymore, she has found someone who loves her and I am so happy for her. Dave is struggling in school, but I know he will make it and become something great! Nick is almost 17, can you believe that! And he is driving! He is playing football and is in track, athletic like you were 🙂 He is already deciding on which colleges he wants to apply too, soon it will be just your dad and I. I haven’t been doing to great lately, I do not want to leave the house, drive, I just feel lost and confused. Anxiety and Panic has imprisoned me to the core. It upsets me, I keep everything in , I don’t want to break down in front of others. I think your dad may feel the same way, I don’t know. When I think about you at times, I feel my heart stop and I can’t breathe. We are just human after all and it is so damn hard to lose anyone especially a child. Next month you will have been gone from our lives for 10 years, seems so long ago, but I still remember like it was yesterday.l am stuck in time and it does not feel good. I love you to the moon, universe and back again. Momma

Drink A Beer

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It’s been awhile since I posted anything. It will be 8 years on February 25th. I just can’t wrap my mind around that fact still. It still seems like yesterday since you left us….I finally watched videos of you today, I heard your voice and saw your smile. I don’t ever want to forget your voice or that beautiful smile, or the way you looked up at the video camera and said “I love you daddy” with your big blue eyes and your blonde curls…..It was hard to watch but I needed to see you and hear you…. He still hasn’t seen the videos, I’m sure it will be hard for him. Maybe one day….Your brothers are growing up so fast! Nick will be 15 soon, Dave just turned 13 and Kristen is almost 22 and doing well….I know she misses her baby sister so much. We just all wish you were here, nothing is the same and it is so hard to get up everyday and know that you aren’t here to experience life. Anyway Lizzy, I love you to the moon, stars, beyond and back again…..Missing you so much right now.

Numb

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For the past three or four months now I have little to no energy. I have just about closed myself off from people. I have been thinking about the sequence of events from “that day” and it is driving me insane. I hate these thoughts, the thoughts that won’t leave. I miss my daughter so much that my heart aches, like literally aches. It is a longing I can’t explain unless you have lost a child of your own. And for someone to tell to try and not think about that day, well lets just say that it is not that easy. I wish it was…….but I will remember “that day” until I die.

Kick Push

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I remember while still living in the double wide, about a year before your accident….You saw this video on TV and you really liked it.

 

You were just starting to get into skating. I don’t know I am even journaling this. I think I just need to remember the little things….Like acting goofy and dancing and singing to this song. I can see it. I’m scared I’ll start to forget things. This is so hard Lizzy….I feel empty and that is not a good feeling 😦 I love you to the moon and back and beyond…..

August

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I don’t even know where to begin…My heart aches for you Lizzy. School is about to begin. The month I totally dread, which most people have no idea why I am so down of the month of August. You would have been 17 this month. I try not to think about it, but the thought of you….imagining what you would look  like at this age….Just so many thoughts that I think of on a daily basis. It has been over 6 years and my mind is always clouded with thoughts of you. Some days I don’t feel like being here, other days I am on automatic pilot- to the point of being numb….And

Happier days....Summer Time Fun.

Happier days….Summer Time Fun.

then there are days that I find myself thinking about things that you have done, and for a moment I smile and maybe laugh. But those instances are rare.  Maybe one day I will forgive myself for handing you that key….But not today…..Loving  you to the moon and back and beyond……The Mom

Summertime Sadness

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Sitting here in the backyard, watching the dogs run around. Imagining you were back here practicing your soccer moves. Would you even be into soccer though?? Your 17th birthday is coming up soon. I don’t think I will handle it well . I’m trying so hard to imagine you as a 17 year old and it’s literally driving me crazy. I wish I didn’t think so much…but I do. I can’t help it. I miss you like crazy Lizzy.

Inspiration Is What You Are To Me…

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I miss you…what else to say?? We would have picked out your senior ring and measured you for your cap and gown. This year Nick has gone on to the 8th grade..13 years old??!! Wild right??!! He is very athletic, I know you guys would have a blast with each other. Dave OMG, he is such a ham. Always a comeback when I fuss at him or whatever. He reminds me of you so much…I think of you…..you guys look so much a like…others may not see it, but as your mom, I see it soo sooo very much. When I look at him, its like looking at you at times. He is going to succeed in whatever he chooses to do., I’m sure of that….Kristen is excelling in school. I’m sure you guys would be fighting like crazy but I also think y’all would be the best of friends despite the differences….She will be a great mom one day, I’m so very sure of that :)) I’m trying Lizzy, but I feel like I’m going crazy at times. I need reassurance that you were here…and I don’t really get it. It hurts. The only reason I’m here is because of your sis and brothers. If there is a heaven I can’t wait to see you all….You know what I’m talking about…..I love you guys to the stars, moon, beyond and back….