Numb

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For the past three or four months now I have little to no energy. I have just about closed myself off from people. I have been thinking about the sequence of events from “that day” and it is driving me insane. I hate these thoughts, the thoughts that won’t leave. I miss my daughter so much that my heart aches, like literally aches. It is a longing I can’t explain unless you have lost a child of your own. And for someone to tell to try and not think about that day, well lets just say that it is not that easy. I wish it was…….but I will remember “that day” until I die.

7 years….

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Ok. Well. I haven’t written about you in awhile. I really don’t know what to say anymore…..I miss you like crazy, I do know that. I guess I decided to write now, because well you would be almost 18….a fact that is still hard for me to swallow and that you would be graduating this year. I received an invitation to someone who will be graduating this month and this person was your best friend ( when you guys were 10 years old) and I guess it triggered the thought that you would be graduating too….anyway he was your best friend ( when you guys were only 10) but that is the way I picture you. As a 10 year old. Not my daughter who is about to graduate!!! Anyway, it set me back to say the least. You should be walking on stage receiving your diploma as well. I don’t know how to feel or act right now. I am happy for him but sad at the same time that you should be here doing the same. Mother’s Day is coming up as well and all I can picture are your homemade cards….and then wonder what you would be like at this age….17 going on 18….About to graduate. I have been in a funk these last couple of weeks Lizzy. Your dad and brothers went on a cruise and while I did have a good time….I would sit on the balcony on the boat, looking at the stars and think of you and all of the fun that you would be having if you were here with us. And I know that you would want for us to be happy….and I think that is what got me through this vacation without you. One of the first vacations where you were not with us. I have shut off people to my world. This world where all I think of you and it doesn’t seem fair to your brothers’ and sister, but I can’t help it. 7 years and it still feels like yesterday, I have come to the conclusion that it will always feel this way until the day I die. You are forever 10 years old in my mind and heart. This year though, you would be graduating and no telling what you would have accomplished, either way I would be proud no matter what as long as you were here with us. Help me to get through these next couple of months. If I ever need you, it is now more than ever…..I love you to the moon, beyond and back….forever. Love, Momma

Kick Push

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I remember while still living in the double wide, about a year before your accident….You saw this video on TV and you really liked it.

 

You were just starting to get into skating. I don’t know I am even journaling this. I think I just need to remember the little things….Like acting goofy and dancing and singing to this song. I can see it. I’m scared I’ll start to forget things. This is so hard Lizzy….I feel empty and that is not a good feeling 😦 I love you to the moon and back and beyond…..

August

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I don’t even know where to begin…My heart aches for you Lizzy. School is about to begin. The month I totally dread, which most people have no idea why I am so down of the month of August. You would have been 17 this month. I try not to think about it, but the thought of you….imagining what you would look  like at this age….Just so many thoughts that I think of on a daily basis. It has been over 6 years and my mind is always clouded with thoughts of you. Some days I don’t feel like being here, other days I am on automatic pilot- to the point of being numb….And

Happier days....Summer Time Fun.

Happier days….Summer Time Fun.

then there are days that I find myself thinking about things that you have done, and for a moment I smile and maybe laugh. But those instances are rare.  Maybe one day I will forgive myself for handing you that key….But not today…..Loving  you to the moon and back and beyond……The Mom

Summertime Sadness

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Sitting here in the backyard, watching the dogs run around. Imagining you were back here practicing your soccer moves. Would you even be into soccer though?? Your 17th birthday is coming up soon. I don’t think I will handle it well . I’m trying so hard to imagine you as a 17 year old and it’s literally driving me crazy. I wish I didn’t think so much…but I do. I can’t help it. I miss you like crazy Lizzy.