Only If For A Night….

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lizzy I think I am shock. Still. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I still see the images of you at the accident scene and on the table at the hospital. I know I need help, but its kind of hard when I do not want to leave the house of even talk to people for fear of snapping at them. Yes I am angry….very angry. I get jealous of these families that are complete and do not have to deal with this grief. I know it’s wrong, but I can’t help it. I wish that was our family. The way it used to be. I hope to make my way out of this dark hole soon. The only thing that is holding me together right now is my 3 other children…

 

“And I heard your voice as clear as day
And you told me I should concentrate
It was all so strange and so surreal
That a ghost should be so practical”

Fragile ; Handle With Care….

The title says it all. Lizzy since you have left I’ve seen things I never ever thought I would see, and I have also done things that I never would have done before your death. I feel like I could just shatter at any moment. 6 years Feb. 25th. 6 years ago that day was the last time I got to see you wake up, your hair messy…stumbling in the living room to watch some T.V. 6 years ago that day was the last time I held you and told you that I loved you. 6 years ago later on that afternoon. You were gone from our lives forever. This pain is still as raw today as it was 6 years ago. I have built up this wall to keep people out….even the closest ones to me, the people I love the most. I’m so scared of something bad happening again. I just don’t want to feel this pain again so I tend to shut everyone out. Not meaning too, but I have become numb to my surroundings. And I HATE that I’m like this. And I don’t know if being cold and numb is better or to feel this heart wrenching pain….to me there is no happy medium. And I so wish there was. Lizzy I still ask why us? And I will always ask that. I don’t know why. If I just wouldn’t have handed you those keys you would be here….wouldn’t you? Then we would have had our happy family. I’ll always wonder what you would look like as each year passes…,if you went to college what you would be doing as an adult in your life. Who you meet and fall in love with. Your children , what they might have looked like. But I won’t see those things, so I’ll dream the dream of what might have been…..Love you Lizzy to all of the beautiful stars in the night sky and back….

The tragedy of me..

I was brought up to believe
Belief has failed me now
The bright glow of optimism
Abandoned me somehow

Belief has failed me now
Life goes from bad to worse
No philosophy consoles me
In a clockwork universe

Life goes from bad to worse
I still choose to live
Find a measure of love and laughter
And another measure to give

I still choose to live
And give even while I grieve
Though the balance tilts against me
I was brought up to believe

BU2B2-Rush

Happy Sweet 16…

So another birthday without you is upon us. I don’t think I will ever get used to the fact that you will never celebrate another birthday here with us again. It breaks my heart, of what’s left anyway. I am baking lemon cupcakes as always since your last birthday here with us, which was when you turned 10. You loved those lemon cupcakes, so now it has become a tradition for us I suppose. We will be letting go 16 green balloons ( your favorite color!) and sending them up to the heavens with sweet messages upon them. We are also gonna try sky lanterns but hopefully we won’t set the neighborhood on fire, lol I know that you would be laughing at your sis and I if you saw what we were trying to do earlier, lol We were trying to test one out and it failed badly. We couldn’t help but laugh. So we decided that it would be best to wait for your dad and brothers to help out. If we do get these things to work I’m sure they will look amazing floating lit up into the night sky So I’m trying to picture you as a 16 year old and I can’t. It kills me inside so I try not to think about it. I just remember the little sweet 10 year old tomboy. And maybe I’m not supposed to try and imagine you any older than 10. Your sister will be going to college soon, crazy right?? She wants to be a nurse, which I know you would think that is cool. I can still hear you guys fighting every now and then, esp. when your brothers fight. Except they are a lot more physical of course being boys. Oh and Nick is getting so big Lizzy! He is almost a teenager, in 7th grade and will be playing football. He really excels in anything if he puts his mind to it. And oh boy Dave, your lil buddy. He has been having a rough time and he is only in the 4th grade. He feels left out often because of his feet, he can’t keep up in sports, and he is a bit sociably awkward. I’m hoping that will pass as he gets older. And your dad and I miss you like crazy. And of course we will always miss you till the day we die. Ok. I need to make your cup cakes soon. Happy Birthday Lizzy. I used to hate saying Happy Birthday, but because it is the day that you were born it is also a day to celebrate your life and that we will do in the best way we know how. Loving You To The Moon And Back….Always. The Mom

So another birthday…

Is coming up. She would have been 16. I can’t even write about it right now. This isn’t real, can’t be real…..

 

Not A Day Goes By…

And not a day goes by when I don’t think of you Lizzy. You consume my thoughts at times. Often times I smile when I do think of you because those great, funny memories I have of you are slowly but surely trying to bring me to life once again. And I still do have those horrible memories of you from the accident, in the hospital and you laying in your casket where you looked like you were sleeping. These memories will always be in the back of my head, but they do not consume me like they did the first 2 years or so after you died. People say they can’t imagine what it would be like or how I keep going on. I really couldn’t imagine what it would be like to lose a child either….until it happened to my family. People tell me I am strong. What do they mean really? Because I am still here, I haven’t gone crazy? I think you really have no choice but to go on once something happens like this. My choices were give up, stop caring about living, stop caring about my other 3 children who were still living, and stop caring about my husband and well just stop caring! See those were not even an option , so I had to keep on and keep on. It was very hard in the beginning and it is still hard now 5 years later. And I know Lizzy wouldn’t want me to have a life like this and to not just care anymore. She loved life, she loved the outdoors, she loved her friends. Most of all though she loved and valued her family so much. I didn’t realize this until after she died and her teachers had one of her journals that she gave to me at Lizzy’s funeral. She often spoke about all of us. I do believe she had an old soul from the way she thought and wrote in her journal. She amazed me in life and in death. I will always miss her and I will always grieve for her. And not for one minute do I regret having her in my life for those short 10 years. And yes they were short, but she taught me so much about life in that short time and I didn’t realize it until I didn’t have her here with us anymore. She also taught me about death and how short it is and how to not take things for granted. Anyway just some things I was thinking about. Your sister graduates in 8 more days Lizzy! It will be bittersweet, you not being here and of course I will be thinking of how you would be graduating in 2014 and how it won’t happen for us. One day at a time I tell my self, one day at a time….

Mardi Gras 2005