For the past three or four months now I have little to no energy. I have just about closed myself off from people. I have been thinking about the sequence of events from “that day” and it is driving me insane. I hate these thoughts, the thoughts that won’t leave. I miss my daughter so much that my heart aches, like literally aches. It is a longing I can’t explain unless you have lost a child of your own. And for someone to tell to try and not think about that day, well lets just say that it is not that easy. I wish it was…….but I will remember “that day” until I die.
I remember while still living in the double wide, about a year before your accident….You saw this video on TV and you really liked it.
You were just starting to get into skating. I don’t know I am even journaling this. I think I just need to remember the little things….Like acting goofy and dancing and singing to this song. I can see it. I’m scared I’ll start to forget things. This is so hard Lizzy….I feel empty and that is not a good feeling I love you to the moon and back and beyond…..
I don’t even know where to begin…My heart aches for you Lizzy. School is about to begin. The month I totally dread, which most people have no idea why I am so down of the month of August. You would have been 17 this month. I try not to think about it, but the thought of you….imagining what you would look like at this age….Just so many thoughts that I think of on a daily basis. It has been over 6 years and my mind is always clouded with thoughts of you. Some days I don’t feel like being here, other days I am on automatic pilot- to the point of being numb….And
then there are days that I find myself thinking about things that you have done, and for a moment I smile and maybe laugh. But those instances are rare. Maybe one day I will forgive myself for handing you that key….But not today…..Loving you to the moon and back and beyond……The Mom
Sitting here in the backyard, watching the dogs run around. Imagining you were back here practicing your soccer moves. Would you even be into soccer though?? Your 17th birthday is coming up soon. I don’t think I will handle it well . I’m trying so hard to imagine you as a 17 year old and it’s literally driving me crazy. I wish I didn’t think so much…but I do. I can’t help it. I miss you like crazy Lizzy.
I miss you…what else to say?? We would have picked out your senior ring and measured you for your cap and gown. This year Nick has gone on to the 8th grade..13 years old??!! Wild right??!! He is very athletic, I know you guys would have a blast with each other. Dave OMG, he is such a ham. Always a comeback when I fuss at him or whatever. He reminds me of you so much…I think of you…..you guys look so much a like…others may not see it, but as your mom, I see it soo sooo very much. When I look at him, its like looking at you at times. He is going to succeed in whatever he chooses to do., I’m sure of that….Kristen is excelling in school. I’m sure you guys would be fighting like crazy but I also think y’all would be the best of friends despite the differences….She will be a great mom one day, I’m so very sure of that :)) I’m trying Lizzy, but I feel like I’m going crazy at times. I need reassurance that you were here…and I don’t really get it. It hurts. The only reason I’m here is because of your sis and brothers. If there is a heaven I can’t wait to see you all….You know what I’m talking about…..I love you guys to the stars, moon, beyond and back….
Lizzy I think I am shock. Still. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I still see the images of you at the accident scene and on the table at the hospital. I know I need help, but its kind of hard when I do not want to leave the house of even talk to people for fear of snapping at them. Yes I am angry….very angry. I get jealous of these families that are complete and do not have to deal with this grief. I know it’s wrong, but I can’t help it. I wish that was our family. The way it used to be. I hope to make my way out of this dark hole soon. The only thing that is holding me together right now is my 3 other children…
“And I heard your voice as clear as day
And you told me I should concentrate
It was all so strange and so surreal
That a ghost should be so practical”
The title says it all. Lizzy since you have left I’ve seen things I never ever thought I would see, and I have also done things that I never would have done before your death. I feel like I could just shatter at any moment. 6 years Feb. 25th. 6 years ago that day was the last time I got to see you wake up, your hair messy…stumbling in the living room to watch some T.V. 6 years ago that day was the last time I held you and told you that I loved you. 6 years ago later on that afternoon. You were gone from our lives forever. This pain is still as raw today as it was 6 years ago. I have built up this wall to keep people out….even the closest ones to me, the people I love the most. I’m so scared of something bad happening again. I just don’t want to feel this pain again so I tend to shut everyone out. Not meaning too, but I have become numb to my surroundings. And I HATE that I’m like this. And I don’t know if being cold and numb is better or to feel this heart wrenching pain….to me there is no happy medium. And I so wish there was. Lizzy I still ask why us? And I will always ask that. I don’t know why. If I just wouldn’t have handed you those keys you would be here….wouldn’t you? Then we would have had our happy family. I’ll always wonder what you would look like as each year passes…,if you went to college what you would be doing as an adult in your life. Who you meet and fall in love with. Your children , what they might have looked like. But I won’t see those things, so I’ll dream the dream of what might have been…..Love you Lizzy to all of the beautiful stars in the night sky and back….